for lulu:
i wrote this poem when you were dying
(my hair) tonight.
part of me wanted to thank you
but i chastised you instead.
eyes closed, i retreated
to that prickly place in my head:
5 years old
11 and a half
17
sometimes i wish we’d have had the chance back then
to learn to love
and maybe even tend
to moments that might have masked the madness
you could have been my friend
but you were broken
and I was breaking
and now we are both hungover
from the kind of pain that forces us to pretend
you parted my hair and filled the unspoken space
between you
and me
with wine red
your hands, warmer than i remember
still, unfamiliar
your awkward motherly instincts tugging at my curls
flashing me back to mismatched memories that hurl me
into boy-cut insecurity
brought back to the bruised brush strokes
of deadly denial
reminiscing the nile
where bloods combust and collide
so thin
that we can’t help but forget
how long it’s been
since you’ve held me
neither of us spoke tonight
and i tried to tell myself that was alright
that i wasn’t grieving these roots
that I’ve grown to despise
or this puncturing pain disguised
as apathy
secretly wishing that maybe
just maybe
you’d apologize
but you won’t
because you’re too afraid to look in your own eyes
and realize that there is still life to be lived
what i wouldn’t give
to get a glimpse
of who you might’ve been
if you’d only been seen, and loved
and unbroken
dropping an f-bomb or two
you fought through the knots
that bear the weight of decades of distance
a scolding silence
desperate to be broken
a little girl’s shame
untamed — unclaimed — unrightfully
unspoken
sometimes, when i forget the rules of being broken
i open up to you
but only when i’m alone
and when i’ve convinced myself i’ve outgrown the sting
of needing you
it’s all i’ve ever known
so i pull back
and play dead.
now, we can all return to our regular-scheduled program of romanticizing regret.
i want to trust you.
but i am terrified.
i’m afraid of who i’ll become
if you leave me again.
no amount of healing can unpen
these poems that are inked in rejection.
i don’t have it in me
to come find you
to revive you
or remind you
that i am you
and you are me
that dead is not better than drowning
in this sea emptiness
that empties us of this blood that binds us
for eternity
so i close my eyes to memorize
the mother i only know in dreams
i tuck myself in
sending silenced screams into prayers
i know will deliver me into dawn
-lulu’s girl (10426)
